The Silverwareathon

By Craig Miller


Hey, diddle, diddle,

The cat and the fiddle,

The cow jumped over the moon;

The little dog laughed

To see such sport,

And the dish ran away with the spoon.




The summer of 2009 rolled around the same as every other summer had since the beginning of time. The sweltering heat and long days meant relief from school for most of the kids in Tableware Town, except for one. Diddle Diddle, the most promising young athlete in the city, had more than enough on his plate for this summer. Since he was a baby fork, everyone had known he was special. Instead of allowing the giants to handle him like an object, Diddle Diddle would do back-handsprings and double flips, flawlessly launching everything from pork chops to broccoli into the giants’ hungry mouths. There was no doubt in anyone’s minds that he would one day win the Silverwareathon, and this summer was his chance.


                Due to his incredible talents, Diddle Diddle was the most popular piece of cutlery in his high school. He couldn’t walk down the hallway without having adoring peers talk to him.


                “Hey Diddle Diddle!” They would all shout. A slight wave of a prong and a wink were the only ways he acknowledged these praises. All the girls wanted to be with him, and all the guys wanted to be him. Sally Spoon, an intricately carved, gold plated ivory spoon was the school’s most popular girl. She also happened to be Diddle Diddle’s girlfriend. It seemed like Diddle Diddle had everyone in the whole town in love with him, except for one lonely dish. Deep in the darkest cupboard of Tableware Town lived a small chipped china dish with a picture of a little brown dog painted on it. Everyone called him the little dog because they never bothered to find out his real name, or talk to him at all. The little dog hated Diddle Diddle and his success more than anything, especially since he was in love with Sally.


                *Ting Ting* Diddle heard a quiet knocking on his door. It was the morning of the Silverwareathon and he was more than ready to finally win the coveted silver threaded handkerchief. The handkerchief was awarded only to the winner of every single event in the Silverwareathon.


                “Hey DD, you ready for tonight?” Diddle was met at the door by the stunning Sally Spoon, looking as if she had just gotten back from a fresh polish.


                “You know I am Sal, I’m gonna get that handkerchief if it’s the last thing I ever do.” Diddle let Sally into the house and he continued getting ready for his big night.


                Diddle and Sally left for the stadium a few hours later, along with Diddle’s coach and his parents.


                “Now Diddle, remember. Don’t get cocky! If you’re serious about winning tonight you have to give it your all.” Diddle’s coach said seriously.


                “I know, I know. There’s no way I’m going to lose anyway.” Said Diddle confidently. His coach let out a small sigh and dropped the subject.


                “Now now! Let’s just focus on the fact that tonight is the night we’ve all been working for! All these years of work are finally going to pay off.” Diddle’s mom said.


                “Your mother is right Diddle, let’s enjoy it while it lasts! Even if you don’t win, it’s okay. You have plenty more chances to win the handkerchief.” Diddle’s dad said in a friendly, matter of fact way. Diddle’s father had always been a positive and uplifting figure in Diddle’s hectic life.


                “Hah, yeah. As if I won’t win!” Diddle had no doubts in his mind that tonight would go the way he had been looking forward to for years.


                Diddle and his posse arrived at the stadium soon after. His family and Sally went to the stands to get front row seats. Diddle and his coach began to warm up and get hyped up for the night. The stands slowly filled up and the other athletes arrived one by one. For the most part it was the same competitors as every other year. There was one new contestant though. A pudgy, cow shaped kitchen timer walked into the stadium and began his stretches a few minutes before the competition began. All the other athletes looked over in shock at the clearly out of place utensil.


                “Like, what is he doing here?” A tall oak wooden spoon whispered towards Diddle Diddle.


                “I don’t know man, but he’s going down just like the rest of you!” Diddle smirked, and the wooden spoon walked away, clearly irritated by Diddle’s comment.


                In the stands, the little dog sat a few rows behind Sally and Diddle’s family. All day he had been thinking of ways he could ruin this for Diddle.  He had an idea, but it was a long shot.


                “Hey Sally!” He yelled down to her. Sally turned around and made a face like she had seen something filthy. He ignored her expression and motioned for her to come up to his seat.


                “What do you want..?” Sally walked towards the little dog unsurely.


                “I’ve got a deal for you,” he said, menacingly.


                “Um. Okay what.” Sally responded unsurely.


                “If Diddle wins the handkerchief tonight, I’ll never talk to either of you again.”


                 “Uh yeah, okay. Great.” Sally seemed irritated by this pointless interaction.


                “But, if he doesn’t, you have to date me forever.” The little dog smirked.


                “Okay, well there’s no way he’s going to lose. So sure. Whatever.” With that they had made an agreement and Sally went back to her seat.


                The Silverwareathon had a popular artist perform the introduction each year. This year the town had managed to book the number one musical act of the year, The Cat and The Fiddle.As the folk band played a couple of their hits, everyone got ready to cheer for their favorite athletes. By the time they finished their set the anticipation in the room had risen to an audible level. Cheering, shouting, and singing could be heard from every direction. Over the loudspeakers a loud voice yelled -


                “LET THE SILVEWAREATHON BEGIN.” The crowd roared. As the noise died down, the first event began; The self javelin. Diddle Diddle went first and, to no one’s surprise, broke the record from the past year. None of the other competitors even came close. The rest of the events went about the same. Soup diving, Sausage Patty discus, milkdud shot put, Diddle won them all easily.


    The time came for the final event, the moon jump. Up in the stands Diddle’s family and Sally were going wild. On the other hand, the little dog was incredibly nervous. This was his last chance to finally win Sally’s heart! Something had to be done. The little dog snuck out of his seat and down to the playing field, where he waited underneath the moon pie until it was Diddle’s turn. As Diddle sprinted up and attempted his signature triple flip moon leap, the little dog shifted the moon pie up just a hair, tripping Diddle. Everyone in the crowd went silent. The little dog tried his best to stifle his laughter.


                        Diddle lay on the ground, dazed and confused. He flipped back up just in time to see the kitchen timer cow do a simple hop over the moon pie, winning the competition. Diddle was in shock. How had he messed up? He never messed up. Since no one had won every competition, no one was awarded the silver handkerchief that night. Through his teary eyes, Diddle looked up in the stands just in time to see a small dish running.





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